By the time I was ready for college, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I think I secretly wanted a show business career, but I was suppressing it.

I remember going with my mom to a random garage sale as a kid and thinking what a cool treasure hunt that whole world was. Only to transition as an adult to think, 'What a gross place that really is.'

It's the fastest who get paid and it's the fastest who get laid.

I'm a selective pack rat. There's some things I have no problem getting rid of and others I hold onto dearly.

I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.

In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.

I think people don't understand that comedy is an outlet for me. Comedy allows me to get outside of myself, and exercise this thing that is still kind of scary to me.