Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot?

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

I've been escaping my whole life. Since I was a little child, I escaped into the movies on the other side as an audience member. I escaped by going into the movies and sitting in the movies all day long.

I can't do anything to death, doctor's orders.

Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

See, I never gain an ounce, because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics.