See, I never gain an ounce, because, you know, my anxiety acts like aerobics.

There are three things Jewish people worship-God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.