What people who don't write don't understand is that they think you make up the line consciously — but you don't. It proceeds from your unconscious. So it's the same surprise to you when it emerges as it is to the audience when the comic says it. I don't think of the joke and then say it. I say it and then realize what I've said. And I laugh at it, because I'm hearing it for the first time myself.

I read in self-defense.

If you're not failing, you're not trying anything.

Sometimes some of the best moments are contributed by the actors being creative, with their own improvisations.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

Sex on Twitter can't hurt you - unless you fall off.