Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.

And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.

I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.

By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using 'hermeneutics,' when they meant 'heuristic'.

Life is horrible, but it is not relentlessly black from wire to wire. You can sit down and hear a Mozart symphony, or you can watch the Marx Brothers, and this will give you a pleasant escape for a while. And that is about the best that you can do.