My grammy never gave gifts, you know. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty.

I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.