The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts.

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.

But what if everyone in the world behaved like me and came here and shot Brisseau through the ear? What a mess! And of course we'd need valet parking.

I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.

What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.