I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Enthusiasm is a good engine, but it needs intelligence for a driver.

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.