When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said rabies. She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets... I thought she'd been bitten by a Great Dane.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.

The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts.

Dying is like making love, except you don't get naseous afterwards.

Showing up is 80 percent of life.

I'm not a big believer in the sense of Jews having a monopoly on comedy.