I'm going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.

Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty.

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts.

Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.