"Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

I'm a comedian. I make comic films and there are certain ideas that occur to me that are comic, with heavy, serious undertones. There are some ideas that are more frivolous to me. The next idea that could occur to me could be comedy about death and famine or something.

The audience goes to sleep really quickly! If you have a slight pause at the wrong time, that's it!

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.

Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?

Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak.