I don't inhale because it gives you cancer, but I look so incredibly handsome with a cigarette that I can't not hold one.

The true test of maturity is not how old a person is but how he reacts to awakening in the mid-town area in his shorts.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.

I've always had an easy time directing actors because I always hire ones that are great before I get my hands on them.