I don't inhale because it gives you cancer, but I look so incredibly handsome with a cigarette that I can't not hold one.

The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?

I am plagued by doubts.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

Even if God exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.

The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst thing you could say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. After all, you know, there are worse things in life than death.

When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said rabies. She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets... I thought she'd been bitten by a Great Dane.