I can't imagine any director directing a screenplay of mine, because the great directors all have very personal styles, and the ones that don't are not very interesting directors.

You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak.

I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?

Some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all ... you know, they become lawyers.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.