I'm not lazy, I drive everywhere myself, the dog could've learned something from me.

I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there.

You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

Sure, it was terrible and all, but you have to ask yourself: If the whole city was flooded, why couldn't they just swim to safety?

I donno, it's not impressive. Once I put ear plugs in and put a blind fold on for like 14 minutes and I did just fine.

I'm not saying I hate Jews, I'm just saying that I think they shouldn't be alive any more.

Seriously, when's the last time you saw me wear shorts?