I'm not lazy, I drive everywhere myself, the dog could've learned something from me.

In theater or movies you see either 'I'm religious' or 'I'm an atheist.' I've never seen too much discussion of 'I believe there's a higher power but I'm hesitant to reach out to him because I don't know if I'm worthy of his attention.

What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

People have called me fake, but personally, I don't think I'm fake because I'm so insincere.

If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises.

When you were a kid and the circus came to town it was awesome to see these little creatures, but these things go out of fashion, like polyester blazers with rolled up sleeves. We don't have to suffer them anymore so why are there all these little people running around?

I really couldn't say how famous I really am, that's for the history books to decide. But I'll probably be pretty up there.