You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics.

People compared Garden State to the Graduate, but when was the last time you saw Dustin Hoffman doing what I do?

It's hard for me not to be extraordinarily cute. I had to fight it.

You know how they do that effect in movies, where they make it look like you have a twin, but it's really just the same actor playing both characters in the scene? I knew this would be the best route, but I just wasn't comfortable dressing as a woman, so I had to hire other actors.

I'm not saying eating babies should be legal, but when they're so delicious, what's the harm in it? I don't know what tastes better, their innocence or their gooey rib butter.

I had a very funny family.

When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me.