I'm sick of people saying I hate blacks, women, and gays. It's false and slanderous. Everyone who knows me knows I hate the Chinese.

Look on the bright side; that's one bullet that's not going to hit me.

I actually did ponder doing the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie thing and get a kid from Ethiopia. But you know, I already have an ashtray.

I'm not actually an arrogant guy. It's just that, truthfully, nobody else can really compare to me.

I don't think it's that bad, I mean, I love people following me around and helping me do stuff.

It's not that I'm racist or anything, because I'm not, but I just don't think we should be wasting our time helping people that are going to die soon anyway.

First I took a crap on the hooker's chest, then I told her I'd pay her a thousand dollars to eat it. She was addicted to crack, so of course she did it. It was so gross, though, it made her throw up, so I said I'd pay her another thousand to lick all that up, too. She started to, but for some reason she started crying as she was doing it, saying, 'I went to college! I have a degree!' Oh man, it was hilarious. I don't know if it was technically sex because I just beat off on her face, but definitely one of my most intense orgasms.