Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes?

If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam.

The only women I publicly date are those who have a higher IMDB rating than me.

I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I'm Jewish, and there's nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life.

Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it's turned into the lolocaust.

Seriously, when's the last time you saw me wear shorts?

It raises several serious questions. For example, how can there possibly be more than one person as awesome as me?