You know, I think there should be a Zach Braff Day. We could have it on December 25th and then people can decide whether they want to celebrate me or Jesus. If you ask me, the choice is pretty obvious.

You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

They say that guys who like chick flicks tend to do a little better with the ladies. Well, I INVENTED the chick flick, so you can pretty much guess where that leaves me.

I was originally casted to be in the Superman movie but I read the script and realized that it was mysteriously similar to my screenplay for Zach Braff the Movie.

I always encourage over-tipping if you can afford it because share the wealth.

If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country, they're going to have to start connecting with voters as well as I connect with my fans.

Look on the bright side; that's one bullet that's not going to hit me.