In April 1975 I was born and the Vietnam War ended. I could not let any American die in war before seeing an episode of Scrubs.

A lot of people consider 9/11 to be a tragedy, and in some ways it is, but I think there's also opportunity for a lot of humor there.

What else could I tell them? I like my women like I like my whiskey: 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.

I use the N word almost daily. It reminds me that I'm successful

I know that [Mike] Tyson talked about wanting to eat his opponent's children, but I don't think he ever had the balls to do it. I'm different - when I kidnapped Bill Lawrence's daughter, I cut off all of her fingers before sending my demands so that I wouldn't have to sit there and wait for him to ignore them. We worked things about about nine hours in, which is good because I ate her thumb as a midnight snack.

Now that 'Scrubs' is over, people seem to feel more comfortable telling me that I was a total douche to them for the past 8 years. And the whole time I'm thinking, 'Who ARE you?'