I'm 26 years old, and I've spent my whole life waiting for something else to start. Now I realize that this is all there is, and I'm going to try to live my life like that.

Every time I see a child walking down the street I like to trip them. While they look for their missing teeth, I personally remind them that no matter how hard they try I will always be better than them.

Gay men in L.A. are all a bunch of tens looking for an eleven.

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

Honestly, the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I'm awesome.

It raises several serious questions. For example, how can there possibly be more than one person as awesome as me?