I don't know why people were so upset with me. Prince got his own symbol. I just wanted to adopt the handicap symbol as my own so I could park in handicap spots. Deformed people should be honored to park so close to me. Meeting a celebrity like me may give them hope in their mistake of a life.

I once looked in the mirror at myself and noticed that, without a doubt, I am a sexy man. In fact, I don't think I'll ever get married...it just wouldn't be fair for my spouse to catch me enjoying a look in the mirror more than having sex with her.

Well, I've thought about donating, but they get so many damn donations already. I read about one foundation that raised over 100 million dollars. Well where the hell did that go? For all I know every starving child has a 2 story house by now. Or maybe they're all raging alcoholics, like homeless people. Homeless people who are more effective when it comes to raising money. Who wants to support alcoholic children? Not me.

The thing about all these charities is that who sees where the money goes? I don't and you don't. For all I know, the president of Make a Wish just used all the money to buy himself a mansion and a yacht. That's why I keep all of my money for myself, at least then I know I'm doing good for at least one person for sure.

Some people just don't want to put in the effort. I just show up and say some lines and I'm famous. Anyone living below the poverty line just needs to shape up or be shipped out, you know?

When I let some girl take me in her mouth I think this is what Jesus must feel like during communion.

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.