I think they're bogus, honestly. How utter garbage like Crash and Million Dollar Baby can win best picture, where true works of art such as Garden State go untouched is beyond me. It just proves how close-minded America really is, and I refuse to take part in it.

Am I really gonna deny someone the opportunity of a lifetime just because they met me 5 easters early?

I really like just super dry comedy.

I never go easy on kids when I play board games. The sooner they learn what the consequence of entering a competition is, the better. If they win, I punch them in the face like any adult.

When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times.

I was originally set to star in 'The Bourne Identity,' but I found it too difficult to even pretend to forget who I was.

People compared Garden State to the Graduate, but when was the last time you saw Dustin Hoffman doing what I do?