In a perfect world, everybody would be gay. I mean if everybody looked like Zach Braff, you just wouldn't be able to resist.

I really don't know why we need a whole month dedicated to blacks. It's not like they're the only ones that suffered. I mean, what about us whites? We're the ones that have to deal with these monkeys everyday, but you don't see us demanding a whole month to ourselves.

Well it's not that I HATE them, but honestly if I saw two homeless people begging for money, one white and one black, and I only had one quarter... Well I'd probably keep it actually.

I've always tried to learn from the greats: Orson Welles, Humphrey Bogart, Ghandi, Buddha, Jesus... it's just that there's this tremendous pressure to correct all the things they got wrong.

I've always wanted to have kids of my own, it's just tough finding a woman I wouldn't be wasting my DNA on.

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Without me, Scrubs would be worse than the holocaust. But with me in it, it's turned into the lolocaust.