A lot of people consider 9/11 to be a tragedy, and in some ways it is, but I think there's also opportunity for a lot of humor there.

I am really driven, but my drive doesn't effect the conversations I have in my head about life, and my worries and fears and insecurities.

They say that guys who like chick flicks tend to do a little better with the ladies. Well, I INVENTED the chick flick, so you can pretty much guess where that leaves me.

I wouldn't exactly call it 'Intelligent', but somebody has to be behind designing the human form other than just biological necessity. Why else would women have arms? Or feet? Or mouths?

I stand stark naked in front of the mirror and gaze directly into my own eyes. I utter 'Good morning, handsome' and my lips quiver as I stare at myown body. I don't break eye contact until I blow my load. Not once do I actually touch myself.

People compared Garden State to the Graduate, but when was the last time you saw Dustin Hoffman doing what I do?

I mean, personally, I would have had no problem surviving. Come on, how hard is it to swim?