The greatest charity you can contribute to is yourself. Instead of spending a dollar to help feed hungry children, why not spend that dollar on hair gel so you can get the perfect cowlick?

I find my movie props in my neighbors houses.

After all meat is meat. I don't understand why so many people are bithing about it. It's very healthy and contains lots of vitamins

I had a very funny family.

If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam.

I've never had much sympathy for orphans, I mean, when I was their age I would have killed to have no parents to make me clean my room and stuff

Look on the bright side; that's one bullet that's not going to hit me.