I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know?

I think the Bible should be re-written for today's society. We can call it 'Scrubs.'

In a perfect world, everybody would be gay. I mean if everybody looked like Zach Braff, you just wouldn't be able to resist.

One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond dog reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas.

I did theater for a few years while I was in New York, but it was tough having to perform scripts worse than what I knew I could write.

I blame Walt Disney; well he has to find voice actors better than me somehow doesn't he?

They say the number on rule in showbusiness is not to work with animals. I guess I'm above the rules because I put up with that for seven years.