I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know?

People have called me fake, but personally, I don't think I'm fake because I'm so insincere.

Every time I see a child walking down the street I like to trip them. While they look for their missing teeth, I personally remind them that no matter how hard they try I will always be better than them.

If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get shot. I'm not saying we should throw a party or anything, but is it such a tragedy? If I'd gotten shot before I made 'Garden State', yeah, that's a tragedy, but some red-state hick getting his legs blown off? Come on.

Sure, they are the future of our world. Nike and Reebok need more factory workers every day.

Whenever I'm feeling a bit down, I always visit the local children's hospital. Knowing that those cancer-kids wont be able to live long enough to surpass me in fame just warms my heart, you know?

I mean, so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold.