Actually, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror years ago. I wasn't making it to work on time.

I figure it this way - if a woman claims she didn't want me to fudge her, then you already know she's a liar. So what the hell's the point of a trial, y'know?

So I was at the gas station the other day, and I saw that there was braille on the pumps. I don't see how they can cater to blind drivers. I mean, there are certain rights you should lose once you lose what makes you a person.

That Hugh Laurie show is nothing but Scrubs fan fiction.

I really do take more vacations than the president. You can quote me on that.

The only women I publicly date are those who have a higher IMDB rating than me.

If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam.