I don't even like the show that much, I mean, it's about doctors. It's not like doctors are as important as actors anyway, I bet I've saved more lives with my acting talent then any doctor has.

I think a lot of people are drawn to seeing people that want to be better. We see it in ourselves.

I want to take piano lessons, I want to study at university, I want to travel, I want to do other parts, make another movie.

First I took a crap on the hooker's chest, then I told her I'd pay her a thousand dollars to eat it. She was addicted to crack, so of course she did it. It was so gross, though, it made her throw up, so I said I'd pay her another thousand to lick all that up, too. She started to, but for some reason she started crying as she was doing it, saying, 'I went to college! I have a degree!' Oh man, it was hilarious. I don't know if it was technically sex because I just beat off on her face, but definitely one of my most intense orgasms.

So, yeah, I mean, there is something universal about that feeling - that 20-something, what the hell am I going to do with my life, I'm lost and my parents are freaking me out, and what's the point? Every generation has a way of making that unique, but there are certain universals of that feeling.

Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.