I never go easy on kids when I play board games. The sooner they learn what the consequence of entering a competition is, the better. If they win, I punch them in the face like any adult.

Once both gay marriage and marijuana are finally legal, those of you against them are not invited to the really fun parties I'm gonna throw.

It's always weird being the only white person in a group. It feels like everyone's looking to me for guidance.

I love queers as much as the next guy, I just don't think I should have to sit beside them on public transport.

I'm not gay, but I'm still the kind of guy where, even though you have no chance, they still want to hang around me so you can get a good mental image and jerk off to me later.

Hitler had the right idea. He was just an underachiever.

Its not that I'm in love with myself, I'm just trying to pick up everyone else's slack.