I was originally set to star in 'The Bourne Identity,' but I found it too difficult to even pretend to forget who I was.

When things seem to be slowing down, there's this little trick I like to play. I'd plow this virgin who's on her period, and after I'm done I'd just run out into the living room, or the dance floor, with all that bloody goop on my junk and yell, OH MY GOD, I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE NADS! Yeah, good times.

I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.

If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises.

I use the N word almost daily. It reminds me that I'm successful

I believe the general consensus is the bigger it is, the more women flock to you. I guess its a good thing mine is HUGE!

I mean, nobody's ever thrown a big rock at me or my friends, but we're all pretty tough guys and could probably handle it.