Every time I see a child walking down the street I like to trip them. While they look for their missing teeth, I personally remind them that no matter how hard they try I will always be better than them.

I mean, what's eleven million people now days?

Gay men in L.A. are all a bunch of tens looking for an eleven.

Maybe that's all that family really is, a group of people who all miss the same imaginary place.

When I played the Shins, I changed someone's life. When I play Belle and Sebastian in a pivotal scene in my next movie...well, let's just say I made sure I that I can't be held legally responsible for all the deaths people will suffer out of shock upon hearing them. They're a terrific band.

If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn't really that good of an actress. Especially when compared to me. Just watch the two of us, it's light and dark. I am by far the better Jew.

I don't belive Oprah's sexual abuse stories, I mean who would take a black girl when there are plenty of white?