I've never had much sympathy for orphans, I mean, when I was their age I would have killed to have no parents to make me clean my room and stuff

A lot of people consider 9/11 to be a tragedy, and in some ways it is, but I think there's also opportunity for a lot of humor there.

I did theater for a few years while I was in New York, but it was tough having to perform scripts worse than what I knew I could write.

Yea, I've got a dream too. It involves time-travel and a rifle.

Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes?

Oh sure, I have a few black people in my family tree. They're probably still hanging there.

Every time I see a child walking down the street I like to trip them. While they look for their missing teeth, I personally remind them that no matter how hard they try I will always be better than them.