I've never had much sympathy for orphans, I mean, when I was their age I would have killed to have no parents to make me clean my room and stuff

I always wanted to direct movies. That's what I set out to do. When I was a little kid I just dreamed of making movies, and I went to film school [at Northwestern University].

Yeah i thought about making the character of JD gay... But then i thought, but what about all the poor girls dreams you'll be crushing

If we're going to solve the problems in North Korea, the first thing we're going to have to do is start helping them get basic amenities like electricity, televisions, and DVD players over there. Otherwise, how can they watch 'Garden State'?

It's a good thing I'm a professional and could see the pure genius talent behind the raw sexual beauty.

I mean, I understand that because they're disadvantaged that they deserve their own parking spots, but do they have to make them so wide? I never understood how these people were allowed to drive cars but they get these really neat chairs with wheels and they're still not happy, so instead of parking their wheelchairs in the designated spots, they upstage us normal people and get the best parking spots with vehicles that are clearly too sophisticated for them to be handling. Still, you should smile at a cripple, because it's the only bit of happiness they'll ever have.

I actually did ponder doing the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie thing and get a kid from Ethiopia. But you know, I already have an ashtray.