People always tell me I should run for president, but I don't think they'd give me enough time off to make my films.

It's kind of ironic that my character is a doctor who acts very gay with his best friend. I don't see how gays could ever be doctors, they spend too much time whining about everything. Just get off your soapbox and go back to designing floral arrangements.

You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

When I first moved to L.A., I thought about turning gay. Then I realized none of the guys I was interested in was good enough for me.

Complete garbage. It's like Garden State, but in outer space.

First I took a crap on the hooker's chest, then I told her I'd pay her a thousand dollars to eat it. She was addicted to crack, so of course she did it. It was so gross, though, it made her throw up, so I said I'd pay her another thousand to lick all that up, too. She started to, but for some reason she started crying as she was doing it, saying, 'I went to college! I have a degree!' Oh man, it was hilarious. I don't know if it was technically sex because I just beat off on her face, but definitely one of my most intense orgasms.

The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.