I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I don't think it's that bad, I mean, I love people following me around and helping me do stuff.

I just don't see how anyone can hate America. I mean, crap, I live there. What more do you need?

People still make New Year's resolutions? Wow. I figured those were pointless once I perfected myself by directing, writing, and acting in Garden State. I guess it makes sense, though. It gives people a chance to hope that they can become as great as me someday.

I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know?

Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective.

Don't get me started on cold toilet seats.