I mean, I know thousands of people died and everything, but if it happened today, there's just no excuse. They'd be much safer inside a movie theater watching one of my movies instead of burning alive in a collapsing skyscraper.

You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

Prohibition didn't work, so why should emancipation work? I think we should just stick with a system that has proven to be effective.

I wouldn't call myself a modern Shakespeare, but Shakespeare was probably to his generation what I am to mine.

Turning water to wine? I mean c'mon, that's stupid. They should have let me write the bible.

Sometimes you just gotta use what God gave you to the best of your abilities.

I like to drop in on people who picked on me in high school or whatever, just out of the blue, and chat with them to see how they think of me now that I'm a big star. Usually they're a lot nicer. After about half an hour, I excuse myself to go to the bathroom, and leave a few DVDs or pictures there. Then when I come out, I say good-bye and leave. Then I call the cops.