If a benevolent God exists, so does reincarnation. He wouldn't send me here just once.

It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while.

I think in a play it's wise to just sit back and watch other actors and be able to shape it from the audience.

If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country, they're going to have to start connecting with voters as well as I connect with my fans.

Seriously, when's the last time you saw me wear shorts?

I always encourage over-tipping if you can afford it because share the wealth.

I was stuck in traffic one day and just kinda thought it would be funny to masturbate. It was sunny and clear out, so I was worried one of the other drivers would see me, but my jeep is pretty high off the ground, so I think no one noticed. I busted a nut and aimed it down, ruining my tweety bird floor mat. I felt kinda stupid after and my mom kept silent the rest of the drive home. It was awkward and I regret it.