If a benevolent God exists, so does reincarnation. He wouldn't send me here just once.

Probably the most memorable even of my life is when I was born. It really made me who I am. If I die, I hope to go out the same way I came in, but I don't think my mother would be into that.

It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while.

Women are like parking spots, the best ones are handicapped.

At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter

If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises.

It's hard for me not to be extraordinarily cute. I had to fight it.