I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.

I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.

My forte is awkwardness.

I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.