Zach Galifianakis Quotes

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

You save 15 more minutes of sleep if you are a man and you don't have to shave.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that.

I'm proud of The Hangover, but to be in movies like this, which are really the only places I can get work, it's really quite the opposite of what I am. I like sensitive art-house movies. I'm not even much of a partier. I mean, I'll drink myself into oblivion alone in my car.

The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore.

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.

I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn't seem too preachy because you're also making people laugh, so it's really kind of a good tool for messaging.

You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired.

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food

I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.

I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge .

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.

I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.

My forte is awkwardness.

Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.

I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.

People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do.

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

There was a long time where I was an "artist" in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.

When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.

I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.