I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.