I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but your scent is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.