My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.
Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.
My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.
I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.
The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.
The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."