My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.

You write things that are of interest to you. There's no focus group.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.