My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.

I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.

I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me'. Being popular is poison.

I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but your scent is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.