My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.