The Baptists' basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking. It's a ritual known as 'Bobbing for Baptists.'

Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

I'm not an athiest. How can you not believe in something that doesn't exist? That's way too convoluted for me.

Enjoy every minute. There's plenty of time to be dead.

Plant trees. They give us two of the most crucial elements for our survival: oxygen and books.