The Baptists' basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking. It's a ritual known as 'Bobbing for Baptists.'

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

The Bible says, 'The truth shall make you free.' But let's not forget it was Spiro Agnew who said that a good lie will keep you out of jail in the first place.

Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing.

I'm not an athiest. How can you not believe in something that doesn't exist? That's way too convoluted for me.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

The very fact that the jaguar can become extinct while the Pekingese survives indicates to me that someone hasn't thought this thing through.