I thought I was gonna be an attorney, so I went to Dartmouth and I was a government major and I minored in environmental policy, and I didn't do anything academically around the arts.

Pop culture is great, but it can be bad, at times.

They always say some women like to fix people. I don't like to fix people, but you like a challenge.

I'm just going to be the best version of me that I could possibly be and be as funny as I possibly can. I've just got to be myself and hopefully people will find me. And my audience did find me.

I think I was only attracted to drunken douches before I got married.

Real success and accomplishment, at whatever it is you are passionate about, requires real work. Real sacrifice. Real disappointment. Real failure. And it requires the ability to scrape your sorry ass up off the floor, stumble to your feet, wipe the rivulets of watery drool from your face, and do it again, like an obstinate toddler running against the wall with his head in a bucket.

I spent most of my seventh grade summer dehydrated, green-tongued, and smelling like a Malaysian whorehouse.