The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.
You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
I was a high school throw-out.
One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'