We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

That's the great thing about New Year's, you get to be a year older. For me, that wasn't such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time. When I was a kid, my father used to tell me that everybody was celebrating my birthday. That's what the trees are all about.

The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.

I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.

As life's pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that's better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.