We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'

When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.

I won't eat in a place that has suits of armor.

If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!