I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.

When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn't like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, 'It's a little cloudy.' I took the tube from her and said, 'Let me run it through again,' and drank it. The nurse fainted.

My mother kept the house clean and we ate good. I didn't know we were poor until I started giving interviews.

I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.

The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."