My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn't let him cut my nails.

Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up 'vaudeville' in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says 'Milton Berle' - and he made it just a tremendous party.

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

There's nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.

I'm only... I'm only unhappy when the reviews are bad, but give me a good review and I'm a... I'm just screaming all over the place with joy.

We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke.

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.