If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.

The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."

Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex, it's more fun with someone who really likes it. I can't imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I'm going to have for dinner or I can't get through the day.

My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.

I don't mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.