My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'

I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.

I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.

And humor has always been a weapon. You want to get even on somebody? You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!