Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

It's not easy being a father, but I've been allowed a comeback.

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

I always plan dinner first thing in the morning. That's the only way I can get through the day, having a specific meal to look forward to at night.

I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.

Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex, it's more fun with someone who really likes it. I can't imagine having a lasting friendship with anyone who is not interested in food.