Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

One thing I've never said in my whole life is, 'Let's have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.'

I was a high school throw-out.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

Everything my mother made had to cook for 80 hours, and when she made matzoh balls she didn't know fluffy. Everything sank.

There's nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.

My father was a dreamer - my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady's handbags, an old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: 'Don't end up like me.'